Is my lack of submission hindering my husband from being a good leader?

God is teaching me a lot about submission. He keeps dropping these little nuggets about why I should be submitting and the importance of my role in submitting to my husband. I wanted to write this blog to share with other wives. Before I get into what I've been learning I just encourage us to not have hardened hearts and clinched butt cheeks towards this subject, but really lean into the Father's heart about this. I notice sometimes when the topic of submission arises some can tend to have the mindset of "well what about the husband's part in this?" My focus is on the wives today. 

I've been humbled by this simple realization: My husband can't lead well if I don't first learn to submit well. What if a lack of submission was what was preventing my husband from growing as a leader? 

I've seen the fruit of what not submitting does to my marriage, so when the Lord rebukes me I don't give pushback because I understand. The Lord has been highlighting generational behavior patterns and heart issues that I've been operating in when it comes up and I'm grateful for his correction. I went to search Scripture about husbands leading before writing this blog and you know what's so funny? More scriptures about wives submitting popped up than scriptures on husbands leading. You know what I did? I exited out of that page and re typed it in the search bar: "scriptures about husbands and leadership" and the same thing popped up. The Bible literally has more scripture on wives submitting than husbands leading. I was just so confused on why that is. So, the Lord genuinely focused more time explaining wives submission more than the husbands leading. The fact that he had to put an emphasis on our submission just confirmed a lot of things he's been ministering to me. 

I have a lot of different theories as to why this is. Is it because of the fall? Since the woman, Eve, was the one to eat the fruit first and proceeded to give it to her husband? It's very clear that since the beginning of time women have a hard time submitting. I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. No pun intended. How does this show up in my own life?

Thinking I'm more spiritually mature than my husband, therefore he can't be trusted to lead me. "I know more than him." 

When I have days of constant nagging and complaining.

When he asks something of me and I grumble. 

When he makes a decision and I go against it. 

Having an argumentative spirit.

When I subtly manipulate him into getting my way. Control. 

When I belittle him and criticize him. 

Lack of trust. 

Lack of respect.

I was driving down the road by myself one day and the Holy Spirit said to me "He can't hear my voice because your voice is so loud." In that moment I just knew He was right. But I mean it makes sense when you think about it.  I remember there was a time when there was always someone else's voice and or/words constantly in my head. Voices that told me I wasn't good enough. Voices that convinced me to make certain decisions. Voices that made me feel unworthy or shameful. And that affected me severely in my relationship with God because I could never distinguish my voice, from God's, from the devil's early on in my walk with him. Seriously. It took me being alone a lot in the secret place to learn the voice of God. I didn't realize that a lot of who I was, the decisions I made, and how I viewed myself or God was because of what other people said and their voice was the loudest in my life over the Lord's. So I totally believed what God said in that moment. And then he showed me a vision of my husband battling if a lot of the things he's doing/thinking is because I've told him to or because God did. That was humbling. Heartbreaking actually. To know that the main voice in my husbands ear is mine and not the Fathers. That words I've spoken over him have been nagging, complaining, and criticizing more than me praying for him or speaking life over him. To know that my lack of trust in him leading me made him question his own ability to lead me. That my lack of trust and respect towards him made it harder for him to lead because it was just another burden he had to carry along with the pressure that already comes with being head of the house.

Another thing I've learned, through this season we are walking out of, is that sometimes submission looks like knowing your husband made the wrong move and STILL submitting anyway. Why? For one, because God says so. His order says in Ephesians 5:22-33 "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." He said first wives submit to your husbands. Not IF he leads you right or if you feel he's worthy to be submitted to. 

And two, you cannot grow and learn without failing and bumping your head sometimes. That's with anything in life. I didn't know I wasn't called to be a psychologist until I went to school to be a psychologist. I didn't know I was called to entrepreneurship until I worked corporately for 4 years. I didn't learn how to be a good friend until I failed at being a good friend. See, we accept that concept with ourselves, business, entrepreneurship, motherhood, etc. We believe wholeheartedly that you can't learn unless you fail. Because we know that when something doesn't work out it teaches you what doesn't and does work moving forward. But it seems I can can never extend that same grace to my husband. As if he was supposed to marry me at 21 years old and automatically know exactly how to lead well. It's very unreasonable because I haven't gotten the whole submission thing down myself. 

I recently sat back and watched my husband make a wrong move concerning a job. I knew it wasn't God just because I felt it in my spirit. He also didn't pray into it to even know if it was God's will. When he left his job for this new one it began to put a strain on our marriage and brought a lot of conflict. That was confirmation number one for me. He still didn't see it. I saw that being at this job then began to affect his spiritual walk. Still didn't click for him. Then his friendships. Still didn't click. But then it began to affect his finances- getting paid and bills being able to get paid on time. Eventually it clicked. For those 3-4 months I had to sit back and say nothing because the Lord instructed me to shut my mouth. As hurtful as this season had been I knew this was needed for my husband to learn and be taught by the Lord. I could've easily told my husband "I told you so." But I killed my flesh and continued to pray for him in secret. I submitted. I continued to lovingly encourage him to pray about this situation and to really look at the fruit of it. Theres a way to disagree and give your input in an honoring way. I remember the day he called me and told me he quit. He had went weeks without getting paid. He finally saw the situation for what it was. But you want to know the beauty was in the midst of this? I remember God assuring me that because of my obedience in submitting to my husband and just in general outside of marriage he wouldn't let us go without a bill being paid. And we didn't. Despite if it looked like we wouldn't be able to he never actually let it get to that point. Despite this job doing him dirty and not paying him on time we still never went without anything. He came into the living room and said verbatim "Babe. I made the wrong decision. I took this job without even praying about it. The little time I did pray I wasn't getting a clear answer from the Lord so I just did it anyway. I knew this wasn't the right decision but I was too far into committing to this job to turn back. I feel like I needed to this to happen. I see now I never was supposed to go to that job. But it's all a lesson learned." 

Even then I did not say I told you so. The Holy Spirit is faithful lol. It was not always this way. Previously I would've let him have it. But God. 

But you know what? I bet he'll never make another big decision like that without consulting Jesus first. I bet the Lord taught him about better stewardship of finances. And even if he does make a wrong decision again; because I chose love, prayer, submission and ultimately- submitting to God in this season when I could've so easily chosen anger, frustration, and nagging he knows he can trust me to not beat him over the head when he does fall. Tell him the truth? Yes. But condemn him and disrespect him? No. He needed a safe place in the moment to be vulnerable and say "hey I messed up. I should've listened to the Lord." 

Truly this season has really shown me that God honors us submitting to ours husbands because we are submitting to His order. Wife, don't underestimate the power of Gods order. He has it this way for a reason. Sometimes we think we know what's best, but God does.

For a long time my lack of submission hindered his growth as a leader because I never gave him to space to take the reins. A man is forced to lean on the Lord a bit more when you're submissive. It shows him that you are putting all of your trust in him, and so men generally see that and have this desire to lead you well. And the Lord had to convict me of that because my lack of submission is just as sinful as him not leading me well. It's not a competition on who is doing a better job than who. But about whether or not I'm pleasing the Lord and obeying HIM. God honors obedience. And it has nothing to do with what we do but simply because his order of things is always best. The reward is not necessarily if I submit God will do something for me, but the reward is simply because I followed the flow of His design things will go smoothly and well with us. When we step out of order we see nothing but bad fruit. Gods design is intentional. He's sovereign and above all. He created US and knows how we are wired. He knows what our submission does for the husband. 

If God calls me as a wife to submit to my husband, regardless of what my husband is doing, it's probably wise to do so. Maybe because God knows women have a tendency to want to control things. There's a scripture that says “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you” (Genesis 3:16). As the Lord pronounces judgment on Eve for her part of the transgression in Eden. The Hebrew phrase in question does not include a verb and is literally translated “toward your husband your desire.” Since this judgment is predictive, the future tense verb “will be” is added for clarity: “Your desire will be for your husband.” The most basic and straightforward understanding of this verse is that woman and man would now have ongoing conflict. In contrast to the ideal conditions in the Garden of Eden and the harmony between Adam and Eve, their relationship, from that point on, would include a power struggle. The NLT translation makes it more evident: “You will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.”God is saying that Eve would desire to rule over her husband, but her husband would instead rule over her. Replacing the mutually interdependent relationship the Lord had created was a desire for one spouse to lead the other. Sin had wrought discord. The battle of the sexes had begun. Both man and woman would now seek the upper hand in marriage. The man who was to lovingly care for and nurture his wife would now seek to rule her, and the wife would desire to wrest control from her husband. (I sourced this breakdown from this website: https://www.gotquestions.org/desire-husband-rule.html) 

I think we aren't as spiritually "better" as we think. But even if we are more spiritually mature than our husband I think that's the challenge to us women. Will you submit to Gods design even if you're more mature spiritually in areas? Or maybe that's the very same deceit that Eve had. She thought she knew better, but look where it got her.

Maybe because we have a hard time controlling our mouths. 

Submitting well doesn't come naturally to me. So I have to give him the same grace to learn how to be a better leader. 

It's so evident because of the curse of what happened in the Garden of Eden both husband and wife have to fight these sinful tendencies that we have. Women want to control and rule over their man, but in Christ we are called to submit. And men are called to die to themselves and love their wives. I love the way this writer put it:

"In the New Testament, God affirms His ideal relationship between man and woman in marriage. Christ-like qualities are emphasized. What the curse of sin created, believers in Christ are called to correct by living according to God’s Spirit. Ephesians 5 says that the wife should willingly submit to her husband’s authority in the home, in essence, refusing to scratch the curse-fueled itch to seize control (verses 22-24). Husbands are to love their wives unconditionally and sacrificially, just as Christ loves the Church (verses 25-30). The whole passage begins with an emphasis on mutual submission to one another: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (verse 21).

From the beginning, God’s focus has been love and respect between husband and wife. Though sin has tainted the original beauty of this relationship, God commands believers in Christ to pursue this ideal relationship between husband and wife, an ideal perfectly illustrated in Christ’s relationship with the Church."

This is the whole point I'm getting to. I truly believe it takes our submission to our husbands for them to step into these amazing leaders God desires them to be. But they have to be taught by God how to do it and I don't want to get in the way of God doing what he wants to do in my husband. 

And I'll leave you with this. I think we forget that God is good and He's big enough to course correct us even if we make the wrong decision. He will do that for my husband. I just witnessed it. Trust the Lord with your husband. Pray. Intercede. And love him well. I've noticed that when I do my part there's a weight that is lifted off of Jovani's shoulders. There's something in him that rises up when I show him that I trust him and respect him. When I do my wifely duties it makes his load lighter. Remember that men desire to lead and provide. It's how they're designed. Just let them learn! I don't know about you but I desire to be a godly wife to my husband because he treats me so well. I WANT to submit. It's not easy to do all the time but having an amazing husband + the holy spirit sure does make it easier. Theres nothing but good things on the other side of God's ultimate design. 

Father, I pray for me and the wife reading this. Thank you for the gift of marriage. I pray you'd give us eyes to see our husbands the way that you see him. I pray that you would highlight the good in him and that we wouldn't see only the negative qualities. May we speak to his strengths and not magnify his weaknesses. May we speak life and not death over them. Would you, Holy Spirit, give us a desire to submit. Would you show us the beauty of submission. Thank you Lord that marriage is a team and that we get to step in these roles to help one another. Would you soften our hearts to the burden our men carry as head of the household and show us how we can make the load lighter. Thank you for such amazing, loving men. Would you give us supernatural wisdom on how to love them well.  I thank you that their footsteps are already ordered by You. Continue to guide my husband. I pray an even greater sensitivity to your spirit within him. 

In Jesus name, amen!