Update

I've been missing in action on social media regarding my spiritual walk because it's been such a roller coaster this past year. There's been so many ups and downs, but mostly downs, I would say for the past 6 months or so. I used to have such a burning passion for God and telling my followers about Him. Then I slowly started to lose it. Life gets hard. I thought that once I was in it for the long run that it would be rainbows and butterflies after that because that's what it was at the beginning. I took a leap of faith and decided to do what I believe that I was called to do: share my story, journey, and how good Jesus is in the midst of all of it. I let the world influence me into thinking that I should only share the pretty parts of my journey instead of being real. I don't want anyone to think that everything is always up.

This walk with God is a never ending testing of faith, building of character, and depleting yourself of your old ways. Over and over and over again. I'm up one minute and then I find myself so low another. I didn't expect it to be this much of a process. For a while, I felt like I was doing everything right and that I was rid of all of my flaws, sins, and things that hindered me from being a true daughter of God. I was going to church every Sunday, praying , fasting, tithing, and reading my Bible. I thought I was killing it. I thought it would stay that way forever, but that's not what it's all about. You can be doing all of those things and still be full of selfishness, deceitfulness, lust, idolizing people and materialistic things, hateful, bitter, etc.

This world has a way of sucking you in and tricking you back into old habits that lead you back into your old bad habits without you even noticing. You want to have one foot in the world, and one with God. They call those "Lukewarm Christians". It's a constant tug because I'm trying to figure out how to live right and still be able to relate to the people that aren't quite there yet without falling back into it, because I myself ain't quite there yet either. I just don't want to scare people off with my love for God or take what it the wrong way. If that makes sense. I also think I can talk myself into thinking "well this isn't that bad" then I find myself 1 step back and then I'm like "shoot."

There's three things I've been letting manifest in me that brought me back to a better place and I just really want to be vulnerable and transparent about what's really been going on. Sometimes it takes your sin and the low lows to remember how much you do need God. We can't  make it without him.

1. Discontentment

2. Selfishness

3. Doubt 

My discontentment really started to show in my life to the point where I was aggravating myself with how negative I was getting. I was so discontent in my job, in my relationships, and where I was in life. I started to complain a lot. I always want more. I always want better. How do I beg God for a job and I have the nerve to wake up everyday and complain about going when I get it? I've been living as if nothing is ever enough, like there's got to be more! I read this post recently that said "I'm constantly worrying about the next part of my life without realizing I'm right in the middle of what I used to look forward to" and that really hit home for me. It's always "what's next?" When is my next blessing going to come?  When will I have a better job or not have to work at all? Instead I should be thanking him for where I am currently because at one point this is what I prayed for. Be content in where you are because what you're going through is necessary for you RIGHT NOW to prepare you for what's next.  The real root of the issue with discontentment is the world. Constant comparing will steal your joy. We live in a time where materialistic things and money is the goal for everybody. It starts to rub off on you and you lose sight of what's really important in this life. And that is to love and to live out God's plan for your life. The rest is just a bonus. I believe comparison is where it stemmed from. I look at other people's lives and their blessings and question what am I doing wrong to not get to mine? The thing is, we have no idea what they went through to get there. We also have to remember we only see the highlights of people's lives. The "perfect side". Nobody posts the raw and real side of their life. What's meant for you will absolutely be for you and nothing can stop it.

I believe the discontentment lead to my selfishness. Quick back story: I used to be very selfish in my teens, especially towards family. I never wanted to share anything. I definitely had a greedy spirit. Then, when I decided to live more Christ-like lifestyle I changed my ways (or so I thought I did). I know naturally I have a very giving spirit and I always put others before myself but like I said, those sinful spirits will creep in on you every now and again and it'll change you into someone you're not.  Selfishness has been manifesting in my spirit subconsciously. I didn't recognize it until this Valentines Day. My boyfriend pointed it out during a disagreement and man it cut deep! I felt like God was speaking to me through him. It hurt me a lot, but in a good way. I needed to hear it. I'm not going to go into too much of my personal life but to paint a picture for you: In little disagreements it was always "you, you, you" and what he should've/could've done to prevent these disagreements. I never took accountability for my actions. He always had to apologize first, and I never did. I always ask God what do I need to learn in the current season I'm in and what things need to be taken out of me. When I prayed that prayer about this season, all of this started to happen so I know it was nothing but God letting me know that I still have this thing in me and it needs to go before my next season. My boyfriend basically, in a very stern, loving way, pointed out that in majority of the situations I never take accountability in what I did. He left me right where I was and didn't come back either (he usually does). After about an hour of realizing that he wasn't chasing me, I also felt God in my spirit telling me to put my pride aside because that kind of spirit is not of him. With no if, ands, or buts, just apologize. This was a very spiritual moment for me just because I finally realized this had been going on for the past few months. I knew something was up with me because it was so hard for me to say sorry all the time. It took everything in me. What's so bad about owning that I'm wrong? I felt automatic shame and guilt. It's embarrassing and it's not fair to the other person. It doesn't feel good when the tables turn and it's all on you. I had to sit there and take the heat this time. This may seem like something so small, but this is only about 1 hour of the story and this kind of behavior had been going on for few months. Little things like this create bigger problems in your relationships and friendships so please don't be that way to your spouse, to your family, or friends. Don't allow the enemy to put things in you to destroy relationships with the people closest to you.

My boyfriend has the sweetest and most giving heart. It's so pure. He gives 100% and then some. The devil wants to destroy relationships so don't give him any kind of space to come in. Any time that kind of spirit tries to come in, cast it down. I was basically wanting him to "bow down" (as a pastor would say) to how I feel all the time. It sounds terrible, but in the spiritual realm that's what we're doing when we have selfishness in our hearts. You're telling people to bow down to your feelings, as if your feelings are more important than theirs. That's the kind of spirit that got Satan kicked out of heaven. Most of us have the mindset that the world revolves around our wants and needs. We want what we want when we want it, right? That moment taught me that's how I was treating God, too. That's why I've been so discontent and feeling so far from him. I want things and get upset when I don't get it right away. I expect things of him and he's not doing it right away. I do things and expect something back in return instead of just doing it from the heart. The bible says it is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts 20:35). The entitlement that I had is foul and as undeserving as I am, God still forgives me. And so did my boyfriend. I'm so thankful. We're spoiled as humans, honestly.

 I think we all have experienced doubt at least once. Lately I have a lot of doubt about Jesus and I don't know why. I have questions like is God really real? I wonder if what I'm doing is whats right every second of every day. This ongoing doubt that I have has been such a guilty feeling. Not too get too deep, but I feel like we are definitely in our darkest days and I never know when it's our last day here. With that being said, I've watched a thousand YouTube videos about the last days, I've been reading Revelations, I've been looking at my favorite influencers on Instagram to get answers and it's all just a lot to take in. I'm just looking for all the answers at once. It has put fear in my heart to not know for sure. It's hard to know what to do when everybody's words are different. So many "facts" to take in. It's a lot of pressure to do everything right, but I get closer to the truth every day. All of my questions have been answered in one day. The only way to the truth and to end all doubts is having a relationship with Jesus for yourself. Read the Bible because it literally has the answer to everything. God is His word. He is the Bible. Seek Him. Church will not have all the answers, watching sermons on YouTube won't, and following a "Christ-like influencer" on Instagram will not give you the answers that YOU need. God speaks to me the most through scripture. GET INTO YOUR WORD. Once you know God, you'll have comfort. You'll learn so much about Him. You'll learn He loves us regardless. He is forgiving. He is merciful. He is grace. He wants us to be with him for eternity. He cares about us. Remember that doubt just comes from not knowing enough.

Living a life that God wants for you sounds so boring in this day in age, right? Our plan always sounds way better. We think our plan gets us there faster and it's more enjoyable. It's honestly more freeing His way, though. When I'm in the world, I found myself never happy. I always need more things, more friends, more money, more clothes. You'll never find true joy in the world or in materialistic things. I already tried that. I just don't want people to get the impression that you can't live your best life and live right. We all come to him in our own time and this blog is not to guilt trip anybody because I'm far from perfect as you can see. I'm no where near who I believe God has called me to be. I trip up, I fall into sin, I have my ways. But God has already sent His son, Jesus Christ, to die for our sins. That's how much He loves us. God judges our hearts (Jeremiah 17:10). Remember that when you have doubts about whether or not you're doing good enough or when you think that in order to live a Christ-like life that you have to be perfectly without sin. Because that's impossible. He already paid for our sins for us. He's got you covered. How awesome is that?

It really takes the lows in my life to humble me and help me to get back to who I'm supposed to be through Him. It's the sin that can lead us to our biggest blessings because in it we learn even deeper why we need Him. I needed this season because I became proud. You begin to think you don't need him anymore when you get what you ask for. When things get good, it's easy to forget about God. Then you'll fall again, and God will remind you exactly why you needed him in the first place. Never stop thanking God even when everything is going good. You think you have it all figured out and that you have it all together when there's still so much inside of you that has to be worked on. We would never learn these lessons if we don't fall. This walk isn't easy but the end result is so worth it.


I say all of that to express to you, whoever reading this, to not be afraid of having a relationship with the one who made you. Don't let this world lead you into destruction. This is just an earthly life we're living with earthly pleasures. The things of this earth we cannot take with us into the next life, so don't be so impressed by it. There's so much greater for us after this.

I hope this encouraged someone. I hope this gives you hope. I hope someone can relate.

Here's some verses that relate to these topics:

Jeremiah 17:10
2 Timothy 3:2-4
1 Corinthians 10:24
James Chapter 1
Hebrews 11:6